’Twas the night before Christmas, back in ’85,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the cat’s jive.
The leg warmers hung by the banister with flair,
In hopes that Saint Nick soon would skate through the air.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Transformers danced in their heads.
With Cabbage Patch Kids and a brand-new Nintendo,
They dreamed of Atari and maybe Commando.
Mom in her shoulder pads, Dad in tube socks,
Had just settled in to watch late-night Fox.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I dropped my cassette—what could be the matter?
Away to the window I ran in a flash,
Slipped on some jelly shoes, nearly ate glass.
The moon on the snow gave a synth-pop glow,
Like a scene from a video on MTV’s show.
When what to my wonder-filled eyes should appear,
But a rad little sleigh with eight reindeer in gear.
With a driver so cool, so stylish and slick,
I knew in a moment it had to be Nick.
More rapid than Pac-Man his reindeer they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now shred away! Shred away! Shred away all!”
As dry ice that floats at a rock concert high,
When they meet with an obstacle, jump to the sky.
So up to the rooftop the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys—and Saint Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The tap of high-tops and one moon-walking hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney Saint Nick came with a break-dance bound.
He was dressed all in neon, from head to his toe,
And his clothes were all tarnished with glitter and glow.
A bundle of toys he had slung on his back,
Like a Toys “R” Us run in a Hefty-sized sack.
His eyes—how they sparkled! His dimples, how merry!
Like Michael’s white glove or a Prince-colored berry.
His beard was teased big, like an ’80s rock band,
And the pipe was replaced with a Diet Coke can.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Filled stockings with Rubik’s Cubes, then turned with a smirk.
He dropped in some He-Man, some My Little Ponies,
And tapes of Madonna and Weird Al baloney.
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
He nodded once, then struck a power pose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a cheer,
And away they all flew like Top Gun in fifth gear.
But I heard him exclaim as he zoomed out of sight,
“Have a totally rad Christmas—and party all night!”
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